'kay. Just one sec.

Laundry Time

(inspired by an a tweet by @eugewarrock)

Laundry time - time for me to go out, go out to the laundromat.
Laundry time - pourin’ the detergent over every sock and every towel.
Laundry time - one more load to go, so come on, spin cycle, finish.
Laundry time - I’d really like to go home but I have to stay here.

At least I’ll have warm pj’s for tonight.
At least I’ll have warm pj’s for tonight.
At least I’ll have warm pj’s for tonight.
Warm pjs…

Laundry time - time to check that the dryer to make sure that it is empty
Laundry time - last time that I was here, found a large pair of granny panties.
So gather up your jackets, and put them in your baskets - I hope you have found your socks.
Laundry time - every clean shirt comes from some clean shirt’s end…

Yeah, at least I’ll have warm pj’s for tonight.
At least I’ll have warm pj’s for tonight.
At least I’ll have warm pj’s for tonight.
Warm pjs…

Laundry time - time to check that the dryer to make sure that it is empty

At least I’ll have warm pj’s for tonight.
At least I’ll have warm pj’s for tonight.
At least I’ll have warm pj’s for tonight.
Warm pjs…

Laundry time - every clean shirt comes from some clean shirt’s end…

Sh*t My Dad Writes in Corporate Memos

I was reminded this morning of a memo my dad wrote at his company a few years ago.

“ Please read the attachment.

The attachment is vitally important to the success of this company.”

The following is the content of the attachment:

Dear [Company] Employees,

For the rest of the year, “casual” Fridays are cancelled. We are going to be having “special” Fridays in that each Friday for the rest of the year, we will be doing something special. I have been assigned to designate each Friday’s specialty.

Friday May 18

TAKE YOUR LEAST FAVORITE CO-WORKER TO LUNCH DAY.

Friday May 25

WEAR YOUR FAVORITE LIPSTICK TO WORK DAY (OPTIONAL FOR MEN)

Friday June 1

BRING AN ILLEGAL ALIEN TO WORK DAY

Friday June 8

BRING YOUR JUNIOR PROM DATE TO WORK DAY

Friday June 15

BRING AN UGLY PERSON TO WORK DAY

Friday June 22

WEAR YOUR FAVORITE UNDERWEAR TO WORK DAY

Friday June 29

BRING A REHABILITATED EX-CONVICT TO WORK DAY

Friday July 6

BRING A DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE TO WORK DAY

Friday July 13

WEAR YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER TO WORK DAY (666 IS EXCLUDED)

Friday July 20

BRING A FRIEND TO WORK DAY (IF YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY, ONE WILL BE PROVIDED).

Friday July 27

BATHING SUIT DAY

Friday August 3

ASK FOR A RAISE DAY

Friday August 10

DEMAND A RAISE DAY

Friday August 17

HUG DAY (EACH TIME YOU PASS A CO-WORKER, GIVE THEM A HUG)

Friday August 24

PAJAMA BOTTOMS DAY

Friday August 31

BRING IN AN EX-BOYFRIEND OR EX-GIRLFRIEND TO WORK DAY

Friday September 7

BRING A HOMELESS PERSON TO WORK DAY

Friday September 14

BRING AN ALIEN ABDUCTEE TO WORK DAY

Friday September 21

BRING YOUR PET TO WORK DAY (GIRAFFES AND ELEPHANTS EXCLUDED).

Friday September 28

BRING IN A MISSING PERSON DAY

Friday October 5

BRING A SIGNIFICAN OTHER TO WORK DAY

Friday October 12

BRING AN INSIGNIFICANT OTHER TO WORK DAY

Friday October 19

BRING A WHATCHAMACALLIT TO WORK DAY

Friday October 26

BRING A STRANGER TO WORK DAY

Friday November 2

BRING SOMEONE YOU DON’T LIKE TO WORK DAY

Friday November 9

BRING IN A ROCK THAT LOOKS LIKE A FAMOUS PERSON DAY

Friday November 16

BRING SOMETHING EXTINCT TO WORK DAY

Friday November 30

BRING YOUR FAVORITE INSECT TO WORK DAY

Friday December 7

BRING SOMETHING YOU DON’T WANT ANYMORE TO WORK DAY

Friday December 14

BRING AN EX-PRESIDENT TO WORK DAY

Friday December 21

BRING A CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR YOUR BOSS DAY (MUST COST MORE THAN $1.00)

Everyone’s cooperation on these “SPECIAL” days would be appreciated.

Specially Yours,

[Name]

From the “Really? I just witnessed that?” file…

“She always does this,” the stranger said to me, standing on the sidewalk near my building.

“Whenever I take the dog for a walk, she always has to come with us. And I have to wait to make sure she makes it across the street okay,” she said, taking another drag on her cigarette.

“She’s over there hiding in the bushes.”

I look over and see nothing, and assume her granddaughter is hiding.

I acknowledged the woman’s commentary with a half-laugh, as if to say “Yeah, I know how that is,” and go into my building. I look back out the window to witness the missing party cross the street.

It was a cat.

The cat continued to follow the woman and her dog down the sidewalk. No leash. Just trotting along behind the woman and the dog.

Rating My Falls So Far This Year

1. Getting knocked backwards into the next row of seats at a hockey game, by a large man diving for a free tshirt.

Pros: Hilarious. Not painful.

Cons: A sad testament to the lengths people will go for a free tshirt. Jerk didn’t even apologize.

Rating: B+

2. Tripping on the sidewalk while walking a dog, faceplanting.

Pros: Bad ass wounds. Not feeling guilty about all the ice cream I’ve been eating to make my mouth not hurt as much.

Cons: Painful. Chipped tooth + dentist bill. Possibility of future root canal.

Rating: D